“An Open Letter to the ‘Good Men…'”

I keep hearing that this is a “scary time for men.”

“That the whole world is against you.”

“Feminists are taking over.”

“Any woman can say anything about you and ruin your whole life.”


If you are a good man, you have nothing to worry about. (Seriously. Take a breath and listen. I’m trying to help you out here.)


In case you are wondering if you are a good man, or always were, check yourself in these three ways:


  1.  Have you ever sexually assaulted another person? (Sexual assault here is defined as an unwanted touch of a person’s body. If they pulled away. If they told you to stop and you continued. If their face looked something like thisenhanced-14916-1456712608-6



or this…19055095_1335246206513376_6024504775749440427_o



then it is considered an unwanted touch. So if you saw this reaction and stopped, you’re fine.)



2.) Have you ever sexually harassed a woman (this would be defined as cat calling, texting or messaging sexually explicit pictures or words, or spreading humiliating rumors)?






3.) Have you ever used a position of authority in order to manipulate woman into having a sexual relationship with you?






IF you answered NO to all three, congratulations!! You’re one of the good ones!! You don’t need to worry about whether or not a past victim is going to come out of the woodwork and suddenly remind you of something that happened 20 years ago! I would be remiss though, that quote-men-never-remember-but-women-never-forget-anonymous-353848



So here’s the thing… if there is something seedy in your past, it’s time to make it right. You might have been a “good guy” in recent years, but suddenly you remember that girl from high school that you spread a rumor about. Or the time you spiked a date’s drink. Or the time you inappropriately touched the babysitter…


Fix it. Seriously. Make the call. Send the email. Do what you gotta do before it explodes in your face. But most of us don’t see it that way, so take heart. We’re all human.




The real difference between a good guy and a bad guy is his heart…. not his history…


We’re not looking to destroy you. 



If you have been feeling like crap lately, you can still fix this but it’s all in how you handle the past…


Because here is the thing I keep noticing… the women are not lying and the men are not denying. For the most part, events were misunderstood because he was being blindly selfish and she was totally confused and trapped. These are impulsive events that reveal the true heart condition of all involved… (ahem… complementarianism on full display)


His desire to dominate and her desire to please and in a moment’s notice, they both fail miserably.  Yup, he’s to blame but I’ve noticed this crazy shift of power.


And so our world is suddenly changing because he realizes that there are going to be consequences for every bit of bad behavior and she she suddenly knows that she has a voice that matters.



These are not scary times for men,



they are amazing times for the human race. You don’t have to be afraid!



For the first time, as far as I can see, men are not “ruling” over women in a way that exploits them sexually. For you “good men” out there… please observe without being defensive. It’s not an attack against you. It’s an epic defensive move that is suddenly actually working  to support those who have been consistently suppressed since the beginning of time!




And “meh.” (For you who just cannot understand. It’s Okay. Empathy is hard.)



And I don’t want you to feel at all steamrolled by a movement that you are not at all responsible for igniting, but you should know this…


your mother,

your sister,

your daughter,

your wife,

your cousin,

your grandmother,

your friend…


She knows all too well the impact of a “bad man” in her life. (I can almost guarantee it)


Do you care?

Do you care if she was raped?

Do you care if she was manipulated?

Do you care if she was broken?




Last question: How “good” are you if you don’t care what has happened to her?


So rather than to be proud that you have not been a “bad man,” perhaps you can find yourself being a better man.


A better man is:

1.) One who asks. (Don’t be afraid of her feelings and experiences. She doesn’t blame you. She wants to tell you. It’s ready to pour out if you are ready.)

2.) One who owns. (If you have harmed her by ignoring or denying or being oblivious, she’s ready to forgive. Your ignorance is the thing that makes her feel truly lonely.)

3.) One who cares. (If she tells you what she’s been through and you show her that you understand her. It’s a healing balm like nothing else.)

Sun in hands



Dear Good men, I believe that you are truly good, but the difference between being good, and truly great, is your ability to own your own past, and be there for her in hers.



Be great to us to the end.

Don’t hide.

We love you.

We need you.





The future is male and female. Female and male He created us in His image.


To rule together.





Author: ezerrising

Rebuilding the church through the lens of women.

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